And still we wait to hear from Tiger Woods. Maybe we never will.
The thoughts of Brand Tiger we know. He is sorry. We get that. He was selfish, he was irresponsible, he was foolish. Yes, we understand. He let down his wife, his children, his fans, his friends, his family, his business partners. Oh, those poor business partners. Won"t nobody think of the business partners?
At the end, he held his old mum tight and moved along the specially selected front row as if receiving condolences at a funeral.
Sorry spectacle: Woods prepares to address his hand-picked audience
For a moment, it was possible to forget that this was, in fact, a happy occasion. Maybe they should have made it clearer with a giant banner that could have fallen in front of the solemn blue drapes at the conclusion.
"COMING SOON: TIGER WOODS - a new TIGER WOODS will be opening here in 2010."
That was, after all, what this production was really about. Brand Tiger is gearing up to make money again. He might not be ready to hit a golf ball in public yet but he will be primed to get those cash registers ringing soon. The shuffling noise you hear is the sound of executives climbing back in from the window ledges at Nike headquarters.
We did not hear from the real Tiger because his script - questions forbidden - had no doubt been meticulously constructed with the advice of a squadron of PR advisers, consultants, lawyers and personal managers.
TIGER WOODS VIDEO: Watch the shamed golf star"s public address on his affairs, therapy and when he"ll return to actionThey did a decent job. As a lesson in celebrity mea culpa it was almost flawless. The marketing men who the broadcast networks cut to instantly for reaction could barely conceal their joy.
Position perfect, pitch perfect, it was like one of his stunningly executed 300-yard drives. All that was missing was some buffoon behind the tee shouting "get in the hole" as it took flight.
In the circumstances, though, probably for the best. Stateside, it will go down a storm. They lap up that stuff over there. Remember Bill Clinton on the White House lawn with his loyal wife and dog. And this was the nearest to a Presidential address that America had seen without casting a vote.
The guy from Fox News held up what he called the "Obama trip note" that is released to the television networks, giving the precise timings and details of President Barack Obama"s movements that day, what could be reported and what was off limits.
Then he held up the instructions to broadcast media for the BrandTiger address. It appeared almost identical in size and density. Theywere told Tiger would appear precisely one minute and 30 seconds afterwhat was termed "the top of the hour". Only Presidents adhere to suchintricate time management.
There was to be no footage ofthe room in which Tiger would speak until the two-minute countdownbegan and, sure enough, pictures ended the moment he disappearedthrough the curtain.
The moment America has hungered for: Pedestrians stop to watch Woods address the public on a large video screen set up in downtown Chicago
He spoke of his public as if there was a special connection, yet they heard and saw only what Brand Tiger wished them to see or hear. Nothing spontaneous occurred, other than a camera failure.
Those who felt they learned something of the man were deluded. They learned only what Brand Tiger wished for them to learn: and Brand Tiger is many people, not just the one in the smartly casual open-necked shirt, standing in front of the microphone.
This was the moment America had hungered for, though. Every major television network interrupted its scheduled programming to go live and put its best anchor on the job.
It is impossible to underestimate Brand Tiger"s importance there. Heis much more than a sportsman. The stock market experiences a Mondaymorning bounce if he wins a tournament at the weekend.
Golfcoverage centres on his presence, wherever he stands in the field. Atthe 2001 US Open, after three rounds, he was tied 23rd with seven othercompetitors, nine shots off the lead. Sure enough, the preamble on thelast day focused on the potential for a Tiger comeback, even though itwas as good as impossible. The network could not admit the truth or theratings would bomb. He finished joint 12th.
In short,corporate America needs Brand Tiger and the last two days has been theheads-up that he will soon be back in their arms.
Shout-out to the suits: Woods practicing outside his home in Florida
He was photographed practising his putting at home on Thursday, decked out head to toe in Nike apparel. The company, which is the No 1 golf brand in the world thanks to him, is said to have taken a $30million hit since he disappeared from view. So, for all the talk of friends and family, this was in essence a big shout-out to the suits.
"For many of you, especially my friends, my behaviour has been a personal disappointment," he said. But has it? Frankly, if you are the type of guy who bangs cocktail waitresses two at a time, your friends - and I mean your real friends - will know.
The ones who would have been shocked are the guys who invested in the brand, but did not know the man. They were the ones in the room receiving the sincerest apology.
It was, all agreed, an uncomfortable but necessary and ultimately rewarding day for Brand Tiger.
The other big winner was Brand Buddha. Buddhism is going to get Tiger through this crisis, apparently, although it would be worth echoing the line from A Fish Called Wanda that the central message of the religion is not every man for himself.
More...14 minutes of remorse... But Tiger Woods still keeps us guessing over return date TIGER WOODS VIDEO: Watch the shamed golf star"s public address on his affairs, therapy and when he"ll return to actionColin Montgomery"s snipers excel behind enemy lines at Accenture Match Play ChampionshipJust what will Tiger say? Punters bet on him using the word "Ashamed"
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